Everyday when I go home

I'd stone at the balcony just beside my door

And peer down

23 stories down

Tear up pieces of paper

And throw those shredded pieces down

Watching them glide down slowly like snow

Kinda reminds me of afterlife

Have you ever thought how afterlife would be

Well, I do

Maybe we'll go to hell or heaven

But I never believed there was hell or heaven in the first place

I always thought when people die

They'll be no where

Their minds blank just like when we're in a deep sleep

To me,

These thoughts have been running in my mind since the sem1 holidays

I always thought that afterlife was great

No worries about anything

Such as money, studies, love, family and other stuffs

What for do we study so hard and work so hard

Diet to look skinny and train so hard in something just to excel

When everything you've accomplished will disappear one day when you die

What for does Mas Selamat try to bomb singapore

What for does world war 2 happen

For money?

That will never tag along when you die

Why push yourself

I once told someone about these thoughts

But she/he said if you didn't exist you wouldn't experience

happiness or love

But the only thing I could say is

I rather not exist in this world

I rather have a blank mind than to experience happiness or love

And at the same time experience sadness, stress

Staying up late at night mourning over nothing

Maybe there's something but I just don't know what it is

Worrying that your best friends will abandon you one day

Having to see the true colours of your friends

And what they're doing to you

It's like taking a knife and stabbing through your heart

Stressing out over school and other stuff

Forcing yourself to do stuff you hate just to survive

Forever being paranoid about things you do

Always competing against the world for money

Maybe to others these kinda thoughts are stupid

But to me, it makes sense and they're revolving around my mind

When I go to school or when I skip school

" Why do I push myself to get educated? I'm still going to die one day "

When I'm balling

" What's the point of pushing yourself and training so hard? I'm still gonna die one day "

When I look at pictures and blogs

" There's no point in being so paranoid that they'll leave you one day. Because, eventually, we're all gonna die one day and erase our existance "

When I force myself to stop smoking

" Why do worry over lung cancer. I still am gonna die one day "

I don't think anyone understand this feeling of mine

Say that I'm depressed or just going through something

Because I don't really care what you say about how great it is to be alive and kicking

If I could bring someone along with me

I'd galdly jump off my window right infront of your eyes

Well, like what I always say
Die before 30

I don't have to experience everything in my life

I just gotta do what I wanna do and
Live fast, Die young